


i don’t know what the fuck true love even is but i do want to hang out with you for basically the rest of my life. (let’s hang out - TO THE DEATH)

by captaintiny



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Cross-Posted on Tumblr, F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Polyamory, poor vax he's so tortured
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-13
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-09-17 07:55:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9312437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captaintiny/pseuds/captaintiny
Summary: “Love is like sunlight. You can give all of yourself to someone and still have all of yourself left to give to others, and to yourself. To your work. To anything or anyone you choose. Love isn't like food; you won't starve anyone by giving It freely. It's not a finite resource.”  ― Jacqueline Koyanagi, Ascension





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [katyfaise](https://archiveofourown.org/users/katyfaise/gifts).



**i.**  
He is charming, and beautiful. He always smells like spice, but when you kiss him for the first time, he tastes like black coffee, and feels like home. You do not remember when you first fell into his bed, but you do remember the heat of his skin, and his quiet breathing in the early hours before dawn. He smiles at you like you are his best kept secret. So naturally, everyone knows. You do not mind; why should you, when his laugh lifts the weight from your shoulders so just for a moment, you know peace? You would move heaven and earth for him, and when you tell him this – eyes fiery and face determined – he simply smiles, and kisses your forehead. You think that his soft touches and reassurance might be your salvation.

 **ii.**  
She is quiet, and awkward, but her heart is made of such pure gold you often think your sister should keep her in the treasury. She always smells like lavender and the earth after a storm. You watch her study books with such diligence; her brow furrowed with her lip captured in her teeth; learning, always learning; always growing. You watch as people dismiss her as foolish or simple, but you know how deep her roots go. You know her strength; she is perhaps the strongest of all of you. When she places her hand on your shoulder, or says your name in a gentle whisper to bring you back to yourself, it makes you stand a little taller. You are surprised no one else can see the flowers that have grown from the seeds she planted in your heart. Every day you wake up and expect to see them projecting from your skin.

 **iii.**  
Your chest is so full you are afraid you might burst. You do not understand how you can feel so much and still feel so lost. Your heart will be broken either way. His eyes are sad when you tell him there is someone else, but he still smiles. It does not feel right. You chose her because you fell for her second, but you know that it did not stop you loving him. When he kisses you, it feels like goodbye. You leave a piece of your soul in his mouth. He does not stop you as you walk away; does not call out or ask you to stay. You almost wish he had.

 **iv.**  
He is alive, barely. The heartbeat under your fingers is weak, but constant. Tears fall from your eyes and land in his hair. He does not smell like spice anymore. He smells like ash and death, and you feel your stomach tie itself in a knot; from anger or terror you cannot tell. You smooth out his hair, and suddenly you are back on his sheets, lazily twirling his ebony locks around your fingers as he hums a song you do not recognise, smiling like a contented cat. Time stops. It seems as though the entire world holds its breath. He blinks, and smiles up at you. You smile back, despite yourself, and you very nearly lean down to kiss him. You almost wish you had.

 **v.**  
You have known for a long time how it feels to bleed. You did not know how it feels to love. Now that you do, you think they might as well be the same thing.

 **vi.**  
She holds you when the nightmares come. She chases away the darkness with her soft hands and gentle voice, and you wonder why you deserve such tenderness; why a creature of seemingly infinite warmth and light should choose you, an instrument of shadow and death. You make a silent prayer to every deity -- including your own -- to thank them for such a blessing. You fall asleep to the whispers of a lullaby and in her arms, you do not dream again.

 **vii.**  
Guilt overcomes you, because despite her love, you cannot help but feel as though something is missing. You bury it in shame and anger because you do not deserve one of them, let alone both. You wish you could carve your heart out; to not feel at all instead of feeling torn in two. (You try it once, alone and desperate in the corner of your room. Your sister finds you (because she knows when you are hurt, of course she does), trembling and soaked in blood. She takes the knife from your shaking fingers and feeds you a healing potion while you cry. You still carry the scars. So does your sister.)

 **viii.**  
She always asks you if you are okay. Eventually, you stop lying. You stare at your hands as you explain, not daring to look at her for fear of seeing her heart break; of seeing the moment where she decides to leave. You cannot bear to hurt either of them any more. It is better for you to be alone. When she reaches out to touch you, you flinch as though you have been burned. It is only when she calls your name that you finally meet her gaze. She is smiling. You are confused. She tells you she understands. You want to cry. When she tells you that she is willing, you do.

 **ix.**  
The sun's rays spill through a chink in the curtain and you blink sleepily in the light, frowning slightly at being woken. He shifts a little on your left, still deep in slumber. She is on your right, also still dreaming, and you see flowers curling round the bedpost where her hand brushes against the wood. You smile and move closer to her, pressing into her back and burying your face in her hair. You smell lavender, wet earth, and spices. He shifts again, and his arm drapes lazily over your waist, and hers.

 **x.**  
You are whole.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally I posted this on Tumblr but I was actually kinda proud of it so I posted it here as well. Hope you enjoyed it!


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